We have all had relationships in our lives. I am talking about relationships with friends, family, co-workers and religious beliefs. I am writing this post to help me process and reflect on how I have handled certain situations and continue to deal with my relationships.  I know that this post will stir a little bit of conversation, but I want to deal with it head on. I am the one that is fighting a battle within myself right now and relationships are one of the challenges that I have been faced with multiple times. I am not exactly sure where I want to begin with this one, since this topic is super important and very sensitive to me. I guess we will just start from the beginning.

I have had many struggles with relationships in all aspects. I have a very rocky or distant relationship with most of my family. I have had relationships with friends that have been distant or nonexistent. I have had a constant struggle with my relationship to God. I have had personal relationships that have failed and were never really given a true opportunity. Through all these relationships the common factor is me, and I have always questioned whether I handled or did everything right. And for the most part that answer would have to be no, or I honestly would not be finding myself in the situation that I am.

Family relationships are one of the hardest to navigate. They can either help with your situation or are the ones that make it worse. They can be our biggest support as well as our biggest critic. I can honestly say that I have had certain family members that I can tell anything to and know they will support me and tell me what I need to hear. I do not have to talk to them every day to know that they are there. Over the last couple of years, I have grown closer to some of my own family, as well as grown or pushed away some others. Family does not always have to be blood, but they can become family by marriage. And sometimes the bonus family is extra support that you never knew you needed. Like I said earlier that my relationship with my family is rocky and distant and that boils down to who I want to rebuild those relationships with. As it stands right now, I have a small handful of family members that I keep close. As I continue to deal with my own personal struggles I am hoping to improve more of those relationships, but it will take time and patience.

I can honestly say that I do not have very many true friends. Granted some of my friend relationships have come and gone due to personal relationships or work things have gotten in the way. But I do know that I have a select few that no matter what I can reach out to for advice or just to talk about life in general, and it is those that I truly appreciate. They all can give me support and true advice on how to handle some personal things from a different perspective. They have never judged me when I know I should do one thing but do another. They are what it means to be true support people. Have I had feelings for some of those friends, yes, but I also know that it was always better to have them as friends than not to have them at all. I came across this quote on friendship “True friendship is not about being there when it’s convenient. It is about being there when it’s not.”

I know one of the biggest challenges that I have dealt with are my personal relationships. I have only dated a handful of people, and some were forced due to certain situations, some just happened. Obviously, they all end in some way, and I know did not handle some of those breakups properly. I have two major relationships that have affected my life and continue to play a big part in my life. I have been married twice, divorced once and we shall where the second marriage is going.  During my first marriage we had some trials and tribulations that led to some affairs. I know I had almost had one before my first marriage and I felt guilty about it. During our marriage though I was cheated multiple times both emotionally and physically. When I was told about the first affair it was right before we bought our house. I was hurt and devastated but you know what I was able to forgive and wanted to move forward with our relationship. We never really talked about it after, but I do know that it did not stop. It was after our last daughter that it seemed to pick back up but with another person. When we tried to do a separation and then I got served divorce papers, I was shocked and hurt more. After taking time to process it I said it is going to be okay, and I need to focus on my girls. My relationship with my girls’ mother is anything but cordial it has been rocky, but I try to maintain the peace for the girls. It honestly has cost me my other relationships and almost cost me the most important personal relationship in my life.

My second major relationship started at a time when I was just getting out of a short-term relationship and was thinking to myself that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Honestly, I was content at that time with it being just me and my girls. I was playing softball with coworkers when this special someone walked into my life. It took her making the first move and she reminds me all the time about it, but I am beyond grateful that she did. I have never felt the way I do about her with anyone else. She helped me find my happy place again, a place that I honestly lost for 19 years after my grandma’s passing. I did not feel alone anymore. Yes, this relationship would have its trials and tribulations as well and they were massive trials. You name a bad thing it has happened to us. We have been through the loss of a parent, a major custody battle, an ectopic pregnancy that was a loss, living apart for a year, the birth of twins that came 4 months early, and the adjustment of having them home. Through it all we survived but the cost of what it did to our relationship is undetermined. Our relationship has taken a major hit over the last couple of months and things have been said and done that I honestly never thought would happen. But through all the bad I can only see the good that we both have. I have been faced with my biggest challenge and trying to deal and process it has been extremely hard. I concluded through one of my counseling sessions that I do not need a relationship to be okay, which is good, but I want the one that I am in to survive and thrive. I know that we have been through so much and a road to recovery is long but part of the journey of marriage is to not run when it gets tough but to bunker down together and weather the storm. I can honestly say that I am the first person to just quit when the tough gets going because I don’t express myself truly. One of the hardest things that I have had to do after being hurt in relationships is watching how easy it is for people you love move on so easily. There have been times when they moved on before the relationship is even over.

I have always struggle with my relationship with God. As someone that grew up in a LDS community and I went to church weekly by myself and seminary all through high school trying to build that connection. I have blamed him for taking my happy place away, I have blamed him for all my suffering as a kid. I have also blessed him for all five my little angels. I have thanked him for bring my special person into my life at the time he did. I have asked him on multiple occasions why do I have to keep dealing with all these trials. Have I not been punished enough?

As I sit back and think about all the relationships that have affected my life I still ask did I do enough? Am I doing the right thing all the time? Every single relationship has shown me different things of what not to do and say, as well as what I need to do to continue to grow and find myself. I am truly grateful for all of it, and yes there are things that I would have done differently. But I can’t live in the past and to be able to control the future work on today. I need to do better in all aspects of my relationships.

I would like you to take a moment and think of your relationships. Tell your loved ones that you love them and what they mean to you. Don’t take anything for granted cause you only have today and don’t know what tomorrow will bring.